My 2nd life followed me everywhere. My second life is a lie. It’s not who I am. I'm sure there are tons of people like me out there. When I got to college I found out how hard it would be to keep these two lives separate. I specifically remember being 18 years old about 2 weeks into my time at UF. I went to a barn dance at the University Baptist Collegiate Ministries building. It was tons of fun. I left early. Many times these activities would carry on into the night, to create a true alternative to drinking and partying.
I walked out to my car and as I walked out, I took my shirt off and reached into the back seat of my car. I had a fresh shirt and I was ready to party into the night. Walking distance from the BCM was a fraternity party I had been invited too. I was not yet in a fraternity but I had been prospected by a few. I drank all night, stumbled back to my dorm and woke up with the hangover of a lifetime. The next day I walked back to find my car and I realized that I walked past the BCM that night where my other friends had been. People definitely saw me.
It was embarrassing and it was the first big blow to my character. I had to figure out more ways to hide my other identity. What was funny was at parties people respected my faith, even though I still drank with them. They always found it rather interesting; mainly because I was there with them but still professed to be a Christian. At that point in my life I'm sure I did more harm than good to the Christian faith.
Let me be the first to tell you; this is no way to live. It is a path to depression, loneliness, and self-destruction. Unfortunately, self-destruction was my way out of my 2nd life. I can honestly say, that I did not start living for God until I was 23 years old. I would spend my summers in the mission field, doing what I could, mostly because it was expected of me. Those times were extremely rewarding but the luster of the situation wore off in about 2 weeks and in many cases much less. Its so easy to be on fire in those situations, you forget about the mess you left back home.
When I chose to destroy the second me it was a tough decision. It involved walking away from my fraternity, which I valued greatly. It involved a big and messy break up with a great girl, and it also required me to make new friends at the age of 23. I felt like a freshmen all over. There was one night in particular when I was home alone and very depressed. I walked to my room and fell to my knees and shouted, "Why Me!" I never saw myself in this position. I never thought, that this guy, with the 1380 SAT, 1260 GRE, 3.8 GPA, with a bachelor’s degree and 2 minors would be so lonely. My measure of success was based on the accumulation of good grades, money, and things. All of which I found to be hollow, empty victories.
RSS Feed