This site isn't just about struggles with obvious outright sin, it is also about internal struggles with obedience and other things that people don't see. Its not always about your witness, sometimes you need some God time. From the last time I posted I have been struggling with what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I stopped posting here because I wanted take a step back.
Am I fit to give advice? Where is this ministry going? I was freaking out! Well I came to the conclusion, that I want my boss to be God. I know that sounds funny but it has been quite a journey. I'm not going off to Africa to feed children; I am staying right here in my quiet little job, in my office of seven people, but God is my new boss. Sure, I still listen to my boss here at work, but this job was given to me so I could do God's work.
The conversations are sparse, but people notice. I wear a ring on my left hand my Dad gave me when I turned sixteen and it has an ichthus (Jesus Fish) on it. It often stirs up conversations. When people start telling college stories about crazy party nights, I refrain from telling mine. Those stories are not helpful to my witness. Yes, those nights happened, and even though they don't happen anymore, the stories take away from my witness when not used in a proper context.
The only time I find those stories helpful is when I'm trying to relate to someone what God has done in my life. It's not water cooler talk. I really have to make sure that people get the point of why I am telling them that particular story. Its weird because I had no idea what I wanted to do, then all of the sudden I get an email about a job openning from a friend and it sounds awesome, and now I have a great job and great place share the gospel. I know that God has a path for me and I am excited to follow it, even if it is blindly.
I go back to school in August, its time to finish that thesis. Its not going to be easy, a lot of my friends have returned as well. I could have gone to any school and started over, but I would have been running from my problems instead of confronting them. I always like to say, "Its Game Time." I don't know why, and I try to keep it to myself, but saying it to myself every morning reminds me temper my actions with wisdom while I am at work and in any setting, because I work for God now.
Thanks for reading
I hope you all have had a chance to read and think about those lyrics. That song is so powerful. Its been out for a while but it hits really deep in my life. What kind of motions do we as Christians go through?
1. Go to Church
2. Pray for meals
3. Group Bible Study
4. Take Communion
5. Campus Crusade or other similar meetings
There are plenty of things that we do that can be considered motions. If those motions don't mean anything they just become empty actions. Worthless. How often do we sit in a church service and let it go in one ear and out the other? How often do we say the same prayer at every meal. Its almost like we have a Christian checklist. As long as we do these things, "motions," the rest of our lives are fine.
At first you just do whatever you want and you go through your motions and life goes on. But it wears on you. It begins to widdle away at your core, your very being. That is an empty life. We are not called to passive lives. God wants us to dive in head first and take chances. We have to be willing to put things on the line and live by faith and not by our own will. God's will is perfect and ours full of flaws.
I used to worry a lot about money. The funny things is that I don't make much money even now, and I have more bills than I did in my undergrad. But, I tithe. I'm not trying to tell you that God gives you an abundance of money when you become an Christian. What I can say is that I have an unexplainable financial stability. I don't have a bunch of money left over, but I live comfortably and I can pay my bills. Just a simple act of obedience has made such a difference in my life.
In the same way we called to "Go and make disciples." However you choose to do that is up to you. If you want to introduce people to God at work or if you are called to teach in China or Congo, we are not called to be bubble Christians. People in college are so impressionable, and they remember everything. What do you want people to remember about you. Many people have memories of me that involve drunken nights and wasting time. The people in the later times of my college career have memories that are much more in line with God and they remember a life that was well put together.
A friend of mine put it best the other day when we were talking. "Don't live a life, you're not proud of." or as Matthew West puts it, don't go through the motions, live with no regrets.
Thanks for reading.
This song is so great. It describes many of my feelings throughout school. Read it, Medidate on it, and Pray. Its great.
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
[ Matthew West Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
instead of going through the motions?"
take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
John 7: 37-38 (THE MSG) On the final and climactic day of the Feast, Jesus took his stand. He cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says."
That verse jumps out at me. It always has. Its funny because I often forgot that verse until I would run into a particular friend of mine. The person became my friend at the beginning of my freshmen year at UF and is still my friend to this day.
I have believed that Jesus is Lord and Savior since I was 7 years old when I first asked him into my life. Did I live a Christian life that entire time? Probably not, but first of all what does that mean? I really like The Message translation in this sense. It says "Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way." I feel like it needs an exclamation point and every time you read it you should yell at the top of your lungs.
What a great illustration; rivers of living water! I stop and think of all the rivers I have seen in my life. If I had an ounce of the excitement and speed those rivers have what an impact I could make. I never really had the desire or drive to press on like a river. I was more like a stagnant retention pond, but this friend of mine blew my mind. He always hung out, he always managed to set himself apart though. While we were pouring rivers of alcohol into our bodies he was pouring rivers of love onto us. He always managed to remind me that I was being an idiot. Although he was much more tactful than just coming out and saying it to my face like that.
The truth is, we all have friends like that and people love to be around them, all the time. We all know that we too can be like that. Although I figured this out really late in my college career it has paid off. People confide in me now more than ever. They see how God works in my life. Its funny in my masters program people that had just met me would share things that my some of my best friends would not have shared with me. That is the power of Jesus Christ. I really like how Jesus puts this though. "If anyone is thirsty, come to me."
He makes it so simple, yet we manage to make it so complicated. Why? Who knows? That’s a question I have never been able to put a finger on. Other than the fact that we by nature love to sin and the fact that we are very stubborn people I really don't know why even Christians fail to be obedient to God. One of the 10 Commandments is to "Honor your Father and Mother." I always found that my life was very easy and simple in every facet when I listened to this one more than any other. I believe that when God spoke this commandment he hoped we would see the parallel and that we would honor him as well. When we do our lives get so much simpler.
The second part of this verse involves "Rivers of Living Water." When I read this I have to take a step back and say "Let me get this straight, I take one drink and you give me a river to work with?" That is just proof of God's abundant love and generosity. I believe that this is a subtle but important point. God seeks to facilitate or subsidize the Christian life wherever he can because he knows how hard other parts can be.
I encourage you to seek the drink Jesus offers, its the best thing I have ever had happen to me. God has openned doors and even put me in a place where I can work on this blog. God has let me share my stories to help others, something I never thought possible.
Have a great week. Thanks for reading. . .
Whats really funny about having 2 lives is that it is completely not necessary. In the days we now live in, strangly enough, people respect faith. Although it may just be cowardess and tolerance on behalf of your surrounding parties, it does provide a perfectly healthy environment to keeo your faith. I had so many friends I was jealous of. They were able to keep their faith and cultivate friendships with everyone! On top of all that, people liked them, and they were able to share their Christian lives with all their friends.
I remember thinking about how sad and pathetic my lifestyle was. I had no spine. I didn't stand for anything and as cliche as it sounds, I fell for everything. (There is a lot of truth in that saying, most people refuse to believe it, its just something you have to experience.) Then I just thought about the life of Christ, and the great commission. I just thought for about 5 minutes. CHRIST DIED FOR ME! Good God Almighty, YOU GAVE YOUR LIFE FOR ME! What a sad life I am living. Is God asking for that much?
He gives us breath everyday. Every morning, I wake up. Why? Who knows, I refuse to believe that it is due process. All God asks of me is to give credit where credit is due and to live a righteous life. He even lets us know that its not possible for us to be perfect and that we can repent and ALL is forgiven. Are you kidding me? Thats it? He's says, I'm gonna give you life, do you think you could hang out with me and tell a few people about me?
I never knew how truely amazing the Christian faith as until I started letting it work in me. When I sought out God, he was easy to find. Like I have heard my entire life, He was knocking, I just needed to let him in. Like I have said, leading 2 lives is not easy. Even to this day, I cannot get away from it. It is much more work getting rid of that other reputation than it is to build it. The best advice I can give is, "Know who you are, and know that you know it."
I will start a new series with discussion on some scripture next week. Thanks for reading.
My 2nd life followed me everywhere. My second life is a lie. It’s not who I am. I'm sure there are tons of people like me out there. When I got to college I found out how hard it would be to keep these two lives separate. I specifically remember being 18 years old about 2 weeks into my time at UF. I went to a barn dance at the University Baptist Collegiate Ministries building. It was tons of fun. I left early. Many times these activities would carry on into the night, to create a true alternative to drinking and partying.
I walked out to my car and as I walked out, I took my shirt off and reached into the back seat of my car. I had a fresh shirt and I was ready to party into the night. Walking distance from the BCM was a fraternity party I had been invited too. I was not yet in a fraternity but I had been prospected by a few. I drank all night, stumbled back to my dorm and woke up with the hangover of a lifetime. The next day I walked back to find my car and I realized that I walked past the BCM that night where my other friends had been. People definitely saw me.
It was embarrassing and it was the first big blow to my character. I had to figure out more ways to hide my other identity. What was funny was at parties people respected my faith, even though I still drank with them. They always found it rather interesting; mainly because I was there with them but still professed to be a Christian. At that point in my life I'm sure I did more harm than good to the Christian faith.
Let me be the first to tell you; this is no way to live. It is a path to depression, loneliness, and self-destruction. Unfortunately, self-destruction was my way out of my 2nd life. I can honestly say, that I did not start living for God until I was 23 years old. I would spend my summers in the mission field, doing what I could, mostly because it was expected of me. Those times were extremely rewarding but the luster of the situation wore off in about 2 weeks and in many cases much less. Its so easy to be on fire in those situations, you forget about the mess you left back home.
When I chose to destroy the second me it was a tough decision. It involved walking away from my fraternity, which I valued greatly. It involved a big and messy break up with a great girl, and it also required me to make new friends at the age of 23. I felt like a freshmen all over. There was one night in particular when I was home alone and very depressed. I walked to my room and fell to my knees and shouted, "Why Me!" I never saw myself in this position. I never thought, that this guy, with the 1380 SAT, 1260 GRE, 3.8 GPA, with a bachelor’s degree and 2 minors would be so lonely. My measure of success was based on the accumulation of good grades, money, and things. All of which I found to be hollow, empty victories.
Now that you have some sort of background of what this blog will be like, I will start with what I consider of my backsliding. That beginning was cursing. The first time I ever cursed was in 6th grade. I remember this because I screamed "Damn" after I hit my hand on a table in math class. Everyone turned to look at me and I got in big trouble. But I got a lot of attention. I always got plenty of positive attention at home but never for negative things. Even though the teacher was mad me, my friends thought I was cool.
Then came the experimentation. I can honestly say that I was as devout of a Christian as exists until I was 12 years old; until this incident. I tried other words. I wasn't yelling them in class anymore. I was using them in conversation. Most of the time it was to insult someone. I tried to quit cursing once in college and it lasted like 2 weeks. My heart wasn't in it. I can link most of my backslide to this one event. Had I never known how good a new sin felt, I would have never dove into it. Up until that point all the sin I knew about had very negative outcomes. But with this one came a new bestfriend (who I still consider my best friend, and this incident reflects nothing on his character), popularity among my pears, and self esteem.
The beginning of my 2nd life was on that day. From that day forward I had my school life and my church life. I was 2 seperate people. Its not easy. When I first took up cursing it was hard to make sure I didn't do it at church or around my parents. The person I was most concerned with though was my little brother. He was 9, I couldn't curse around him. I know there are plenty of people out there who have heard of kids smoking dope and struggling with pornography by the time they are 12, so this may seem like no big deal. What I want you to understand about this blog is that it is about a normal Christian boy. A boy who was raised in the Southern Baptist Church, by incredible parents. The majority of children and young adults in the church go through this type of struggle.
Back to what I was saying. I was now two people. What was interesting was that there were other kids at church going through the same things. So when you found a group of students that cursed, that you went to church with you hang out with them. You felt like your other life was accepted there; your "cooler" life.
Living a double life was something that haunted me from that day forward to the time I was 22. I had to hide things from specific people. I had to call people in the morning to make sure that they didn't talk about last night with specific people. I had to make sure that the people's parents who were cool with drinking didn't talk to my parents. It was a mess. . .
I'll be out of town on Vacation for a few days but I am hoping to make a few posts later this week.
Romans 12 (The Message)
1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
“Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.” Responding to God is like listening to a professor’s deadlines. If a professor tells you a paper is due on Thursday and you turn it on Thursday you get full credit, the highest reward. If the professor lets you know 2 weeks in advance and you act immediately you have 2 weeks to write a paper. On the other hand, you can wait till the last second and turn in a weak paper and get an average grade. God wants the best for us and he wants us to listen to him actively. I was once heard a speaker say “I became a believer when I was 10; I didn’t start listening to God until I was 25. What a waste!” I have to agree with him. 15 years knowing about what God has to offer and yet ignoring it. So much spiritual growth lost. So many years of joy that were sold for what? A chance to fit in?
“ Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” Our culture in 2009 is sometimes mind-blowing. I have seen girls do outrageous things for attention. I have seen men and women with no self-respect or dignity. Our culture says that the key to life is tolerance and moderation. Our culture says a little weed is ok. Our culture says sexual promiscuity is Ok. I was once naïve to the drug culture that lies beneath but I come across it more and more. The amount of people that I know that do cocaine has been one of the most surprising facts I have ever encountered.There are real problems out there, in people you would never expect. The amount of Christians I know that have regrets regarding their virginity is astounding. Look at the people that people that get the most attention, that make the most of their lives. These are the people that have gone against the grain. The saw the odds were bad and they went for it anyway.
I have been a part of this culture. When I say a part, I literally mean a part not everything that I talk about is something I have been a part of. I was always careful to not let in completely engulf me. It was my way of pretending I was in control. I always prayed and repented for what I had done, but had I truly repented or was this just another formality? My guilt took over my life. I began to drown. God may have wanted to bring the best out in me, but the best was deep down inside and I didn’t want to let it out. My addiction to partying became my end. I kept my depression a secret until the day I landed in jail. The day I will remember for the rest of my life. Something I will address at some point. I don’t talk about it to many people, even though it may be the strongest part of my testimony. I hope that one day I will be more open. Until then, I will write this blog.
Romans 12 (The Message)
1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I never had the money to tithe, but it didn't bother me. I thought that being there was enough. Many times the hangover was so bad that I was literally just a body taking up space. One person, one being, made this all possible.
God. God gave me life every day. God made it possible for me to party away $5000 in 3 months. There is a passage in Corinthians where it says that God will not allow Satan to temp you more than you can handle. I believe that with all my heart. When I stopped to think about it I was blown away. It was obvious that God thought I could handle a lot. I knew that I could, but why? Yes, I woke up in guilt every morning. I never had sex, I never did hard drugs like some of my friends, AND I went to church on Sundays. At this point I can see God looking at me and saying "What? Do you want a cookie?"
"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking." Although I woke up with a headache and the taste of well liquor in my mouth, I always managed to do it again. Some people have to fall really hard so God can pick them up and put them back together. I embraced my hard head and called it strong will. The drunk friend on the couch the next morning was already reminiscing about the night before and there I was sucked back into the downward spiral. Deep in my heart, I did not want to be there. I envied my counterparts that spent summers in Africa and Honduras. Meanwhile, I was working at a Golf Course saving money for the coming semester of partying. I was a closet Christian.
I didn't have a problem with anything. People still knew there were certain things I would not do and they were aware of my beliefs although they weren't apparent in my daily life. Every once in a while I would have a moment where I would say to myself, "what about me says that I am a Christian?" I knew the answer was nothing but I could always find something, something that made me better than the fraternity brother on the kitchen floor next me passed out with the other ice cream carton in his hand.
"Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. " Easier said then done I thought. I found that the times I even remotely tried to focus on God brought a smile to my face. I sat there in my room and smiled and laughed in the irony. What was ironic? I was worthless to God. He loved me. (He still does) I came to school with this thought that I was going to change the world and school changed me. When I say school, I am talking about the experience, not the actual education part, that part was excellent.
I was focused on God for about 8 hours when someone in my building invited me over to slay 40 beers between 5 guys. Drinking didn't make me happy. God made me happy, fellowship made me happy, and family made me happy. It was so much easier to what 95% of my university was doing. I didn't know moderation. I had 2 speeds, Yes and No. I normally went with Yes.
But when I went with No, those were the times that I let God shine through. When the message translation says “You’ll be changed from the inside out,” it is no joke. My values were realigned. My weeks were more productive. I could look at my schedule and know that everything that was on there was attainable and it diffused my anxious mind. I am in no way saying that saying “No” to alcohol is the only way to be a Christian. What I am saying is that as a struggling college Christian the times I said no were the most productive for my faith. I have since learned the meaning of moderation, but it took me 5 years.
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