My Struggle

John 7: 37-38 (THE MSG) On the final and climactic day of the Feast, Jesus took his stand. He cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." 

That verse jumps out at me. It always has. Its funny because I often forgot that verse until I would run into a particular friend of mine. The person became my friend at the beginning of my freshmen year at UF and is still my friend to this day.  

I have believed that Jesus is Lord and Savior since I was 7 years old when I first asked him into my life. Did I live a Christian life that entire time? Probably not, but first of all what does that mean? I really like The Message translation in this sense. It says "Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way." I feel like it needs an exclamation point and every time you read it you should yell at the top of your lungs.  

What a great illustration; rivers of living water! I stop and think of all the rivers I have seen in my life. If I had an ounce of the excitement and speed those rivers have what an impact I could make. I never really had the desire or drive to press on like a river. I was more like a stagnant retention pond, but this friend of mine blew my mind. He always hung out, he always managed to set himself apart though. While we were pouring rivers of alcohol into our bodies he was pouring rivers of love onto us. He always managed to remind me that I was being an idiot. Although he was much more tactful than just coming out and saying it to my face like that.  

The truth is, we all have friends like that and people love to be around them, all the time. We all know that we too can be like that. Although I figured this out really late in my college career it has paid off. People confide in me now more than ever. They see how God works in my life. Its funny in my masters program people that had just met me would share things that my some of my best friends would not have shared with me. That is the power of Jesus Christ.  I really like how Jesus puts this though. "If anyone is thirsty, come to me."

He makes it so simple, yet we manage to make it so complicated. Why? Who knows? That’s a question I have never been able to put a finger on. Other than the fact that we by nature love to sin and the fact that we are very stubborn people I really don't know why even Christians fail to be obedient to God. One of the 10 Commandments is to "Honor your Father and Mother." I always found that my life was very easy and simple in every facet when I listened to this one more than any other. I believe that when God spoke this commandment he hoped we would see the parallel and that we would honor him as well. When we do our lives get so much simpler.  

The second part of this verse involves "Rivers of Living Water." When I read this I have to take a step back and say "Let me get this straight, I take one drink and you give me a river to work with?" That is just proof of God's abundant love and generosity. I believe that this is a subtle but important point. God seeks to facilitate or subsidize the Christian life wherever he can because he knows how hard other parts can be. 

I encourage you to seek the drink Jesus offers, its the best thing I have ever had happen to me. God has openned doors and even put me in a place where I can work on this blog. God has let me share my stories to help others, something I never thought possible. 

Have a great week. Thanks for reading. . . 

Whats really funny about having 2 lives is that it is completely not necessary. In the days we now live in, strangly enough, people respect faith. Although it may just be cowardess and tolerance on behalf of your surrounding parties, it does provide a perfectly healthy environment to keeo your faith. I had so many friends I was jealous of. They were able to keep their faith and cultivate friendships with everyone! On top of all that, people liked them, and they were able to share their Christian lives with all their friends. 

I remember thinking about how sad and pathetic my lifestyle was. I had no spine. I didn't stand for anything and as cliche as it sounds, I fell for everything. (There is a lot of truth in that saying, most people refuse to believe it, its just something you have to experience.) Then I just thought about the life of Christ, and the great commission. I just thought for about 5 minutes. CHRIST DIED FOR ME! Good God Almighty, YOU GAVE YOUR LIFE FOR ME! What a sad life I am living. Is God asking for that much? 

He gives us breath everyday. Every morning, I wake up. Why? Who knows, I refuse to believe that it is due process. All God asks of me is to give credit where credit is due and to live a righteous life. He even lets us know that its not possible for us to be perfect and that we can repent and ALL is forgiven. Are you kidding me? Thats it? He's says, I'm gonna give you life, do you think you could hang out with me and tell a few people about me? 

I never knew how truely amazing the Christian faith as until I started letting it work in me. When I sought out God, he was easy to find. Like I have heard my entire life, He was knocking, I just needed to let him in. Like I have said, leading 2 lives is not easy. Even to this day, I cannot get away from it. It is much more work getting rid of that other reputation than it is to build it. The best advice I can give is, "Know who you are, and know that you know it." 

I will start a new series with discussion on some scripture next week. Thanks for reading. 

My 2nd life followed me everywhere. My second life is a lie. It’s not who I am. I'm sure there are tons of people like me out there. When I got to college I found out how hard it would be to keep these two lives separate. I specifically remember being 18 years old about 2 weeks into my time at UF. I went to a barn dance at the University Baptist Collegiate Ministries building. It was tons of fun. I left early. Many times these activities would carry on into the night, to create a true alternative to drinking and partying. 

I walked out to my car and as I walked out, I took my shirt off and reached into the back seat of my car. I had a fresh shirt and I was ready to party into the night. Walking distance from the BCM was a fraternity party I had been invited too. I was not yet in a fraternity but I had been prospected by a few. I drank all night, stumbled back to my dorm and woke up with the hangover of a lifetime. The next day I walked back to find my car and I realized that I walked past the BCM that night where my other friends had been. People definitely saw me. 

It was embarrassing and it was the first big blow to my character. I had to figure out more ways to hide my other identity. What was funny was at parties people respected my faith, even though I still drank with them. They always found it rather interesting; mainly because I was there with them but still professed to be a Christian. At that point in my life I'm sure I did more harm than good to the Christian faith. 

Let me be the first to tell you; this is no way to live. It is a path to depression, loneliness, and self-destruction. Unfortunately, self-destruction was my way out of my 2nd life. I can honestly say, that I did not start living for God until I was 23 years old. I would spend my summers in the mission field, doing what I could, mostly because it was expected of me. Those times were extremely rewarding but the luster of the situation wore off in about 2 weeks and in many cases much less. Its so easy to be on fire in those situations, you forget about the mess you left back home. 

When I chose to destroy the second me it was a tough decision. It involved walking away from my fraternity, which I valued greatly. It involved a big and messy break up with a great girl, and it also required me to make new friends at the age of 23. I felt like a freshmen all over. There was one night in particular when I was home alone and very depressed. I walked to my room and fell to my knees and shouted, "Why Me!" I never saw myself in this position. I never thought, that this guy, with the 1380 SAT, 1260 GRE, 3.8 GPA, with a bachelor’s degree and 2 minors would be so lonely. My measure of success was based on the accumulation of good grades, money, and things. All of which I found to be hollow, empty victories. 

Now that you have some sort of background of what this blog will be like, I will start with what I consider of my backsliding. That beginning was cursing. The first time I ever cursed was in 6th grade. I remember this because I screamed "Damn" after I hit my hand on a table in math class. Everyone turned to look at me and I got in big trouble. But I got a lot of attention. I always got plenty of positive attention at home but never for negative things. Even though the teacher was mad me, my friends thought I was cool. 

Then came the experimentation. I can honestly say that I was as devout of a Christian as exists until I was 12 years old; until this incident. I tried other words. I wasn't yelling them in class anymore. I was using them in conversation. Most of the time it was to insult someone. I tried to quit cursing once in college and it lasted like 2 weeks. My heart wasn't in it. I can link most of my backslide to this one event. Had I never known how good a new sin felt, I would have never dove into it. Up until that point all the sin I knew about had very negative outcomes. But with this one came a new bestfriend (who I still consider my best friend, and this incident reflects nothing on his character), popularity among my pears, and self esteem. 

The beginning of my 2nd life was on that day. From that day forward I had my school life and my church life. I was 2 seperate people. Its not easy. When I first took up cursing it was hard to make sure I didn't do it at church or around my parents. The person I was most concerned with though was my little brother. He was 9, I couldn't curse around him. I know there are plenty of people out there who have heard of kids smoking dope and struggling with pornography by the time they are 12, so this may seem like no big deal. What I want you to understand about this blog is that it is about a normal Christian boy. A boy who was raised in the Southern Baptist Church, by incredible parents. The majority of children and young adults in the church go through this type of struggle. 

Back to what I was saying. I was now two people. What was interesting was that there were other kids at church going through the same things. So when you found a group of students that cursed, that you went to church with you hang out with them. You felt like your other life was accepted there; your "cooler" life. 

Living a double life was something that haunted me from that day forward to the time I was 22. I had to hide things from specific people. I had to call people in the morning to make sure that they didn't talk about last night with specific people. I had to make sure that the people's parents who were cool with drinking didn't talk to my parents. It was a mess. . .